We will eat their money.
If you are a politician, I suggest you stop reading because I can't promise this piece will lift your spirits.
We! It's harvest time here in shags! You see, politics in the big city is nothing like shags politics. In the city, all you see are huge events, snaking convoys and tattooed politicians. In shags, money talks, bullshit walks. Money is the language of persuasion. This time round, the tide has suddenly turned and locals have outwitted the politicians. Locals now eat from ALL aspirants THEN listen to them. Whoever has the best policies, that's who they vote for. That decision is made while they eat. It's our very own unique version of democracy.
The people are out to make as much money from politicians as ever before. They already know who they will vote for anyway, so why not pretend to laugh at your master's joke as you order your sixth round on him?
Campaign T-shirt Fashion Month is here and clearly reflects this harvest. You know those Chinese made campaign t-shirts? The ones you can see through? Those ones. Every shags household currently has like five in different colors. They only wear the one belonging to the candidate they like and those belonging to candidates they don't like, true story, are used to dress the scarecrows. Considering where shags is, you can imagine the number of astronaut scarecrows we have.
Anyway, I go to see Nick, the local barber, to try understand the dynamics of this particular harvest. I meet Nick standing outside his locked Kinyozi, toothpick sticking out of the corner of his mouth as if it's pointing at me. He looks like a guy who just sold his business. I ask him if he's open today and he sneers so hard his tongue almost falls out. He is shocked that I expect him to work today. No, today he has a busy schedule. He has three rallies to attend. Toothpick points at me again.
I sit on a dusty bench like an obedient student and listen to the math. Apparently, Nick stands to make 1k($10)per rally. Three rallies today. That's 3k per day. He would have to shave 30 heads a day to get that kind of money. And shaving 30 heads is no joke. 'That's a lot of hair', he explains thoughtfully. I believe him.
I ask what the money politicians give is meant for, he grins and answers, 'security'. Nick is a small guy so maybe the job criteria prioritizes brain muscle, I suspect.
Doesn't it bother him that all three are running for the same seat, I ask. He sneers again. His tongue survives again. All he knows is that none of those aspirants will remember him when he wins or loses so its better to harvest now, he says, looking at his watch. Today's harvest is about to begin. The toothpick disappears.
Some self righteous activist would argue that Nick shouldn't accept politicians' money. That it's because of this practice that the people we elect go on and steal to recoup their investment. I put this argument to Nick and he thinks its a pile of bull. 'Take their money or not, they'll still shaft us', he says as he waves a particular finger. 'So I won't take chances. I will make some hay while the sun shines because for sure, winter is coming', he reasons. I begin to see his logic.
He spits out the toothpick. It just lies there abandoned, pointing at nothing. Nick takes off. He has to go. 'It's time to collect'.
So Mr. Politician, if you made it this far that is, just know you are being played. It's a plot to eat your cash. It's a con game. You're the mark. Get out now while you still can.
Enjoy your day.
We! It's harvest time here in shags! You see, politics in the big city is nothing like shags politics. In the city, all you see are huge events, snaking convoys and tattooed politicians. In shags, money talks, bullshit walks. Money is the language of persuasion. This time round, the tide has suddenly turned and locals have outwitted the politicians. Locals now eat from ALL aspirants THEN listen to them. Whoever has the best policies, that's who they vote for. That decision is made while they eat. It's our very own unique version of democracy.
The people are out to make as much money from politicians as ever before. They already know who they will vote for anyway, so why not pretend to laugh at your master's joke as you order your sixth round on him?
Campaign T-shirt Fashion Month is here and clearly reflects this harvest. You know those Chinese made campaign t-shirts? The ones you can see through? Those ones. Every shags household currently has like five in different colors. They only wear the one belonging to the candidate they like and those belonging to candidates they don't like, true story, are used to dress the scarecrows. Considering where shags is, you can imagine the number of astronaut scarecrows we have.
Anyway, I go to see Nick, the local barber, to try understand the dynamics of this particular harvest. I meet Nick standing outside his locked Kinyozi, toothpick sticking out of the corner of his mouth as if it's pointing at me. He looks like a guy who just sold his business. I ask him if he's open today and he sneers so hard his tongue almost falls out. He is shocked that I expect him to work today. No, today he has a busy schedule. He has three rallies to attend. Toothpick points at me again.
I sit on a dusty bench like an obedient student and listen to the math. Apparently, Nick stands to make 1k($10)per rally. Three rallies today. That's 3k per day. He would have to shave 30 heads a day to get that kind of money. And shaving 30 heads is no joke. 'That's a lot of hair', he explains thoughtfully. I believe him.
I ask what the money politicians give is meant for, he grins and answers, 'security'. Nick is a small guy so maybe the job criteria prioritizes brain muscle, I suspect.
Doesn't it bother him that all three are running for the same seat, I ask. He sneers again. His tongue survives again. All he knows is that none of those aspirants will remember him when he wins or loses so its better to harvest now, he says, looking at his watch. Today's harvest is about to begin. The toothpick disappears.
Some self righteous activist would argue that Nick shouldn't accept politicians' money. That it's because of this practice that the people we elect go on and steal to recoup their investment. I put this argument to Nick and he thinks its a pile of bull. 'Take their money or not, they'll still shaft us', he says as he waves a particular finger. 'So I won't take chances. I will make some hay while the sun shines because for sure, winter is coming', he reasons. I begin to see his logic.
He spits out the toothpick. It just lies there abandoned, pointing at nothing. Nick takes off. He has to go. 'It's time to collect'.
So Mr. Politician, if you made it this far that is, just know you are being played. It's a plot to eat your cash. It's a con game. You're the mark. Get out now while you still can.
Enjoy your day.
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